I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
