i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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