Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
