It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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