omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
