If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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