The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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