You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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