this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
