So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
