I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
