you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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