I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
