I think I died a long time ago.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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