new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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