Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
