Will you blow on my dice?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
