Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I could make wine with my vomit
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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