It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
