can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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