3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
