An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
