Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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