i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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