I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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