I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
