I need help removing her.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
