Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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