I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
