if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
