your thong is hanging out like whoa
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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