Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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