atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
