he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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