I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
