Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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