Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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