1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
