Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
