Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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