who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
What drink are we having for lunch?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
