Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
