I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
