Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
