i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
