I'm retarded. Again.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
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Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.