I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
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Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.