So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
