Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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