he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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