I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
