can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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