Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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