I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
