i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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