i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
