the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
