there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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