note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
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